I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
