sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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