I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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