haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
