The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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