My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
