Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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