How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
