This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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