so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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