1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
