His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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