If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
How naked do you want me to be?
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