Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
