i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
