so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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