so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
