im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize