turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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