Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
