I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
