Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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