I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
