What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
