She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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