Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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