And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
