I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
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