is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
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I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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