Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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