So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
