Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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