remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
