that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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