thus making me awesome and them whores
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I need a beard to bite.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
