I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
