It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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