we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
