So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Randomize
