yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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