I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
my liver is dry heaving
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
