No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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