a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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