I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
