... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
