Tell her she can't have a vagina
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Im part way to drunk.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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