Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
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we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
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Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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