I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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