you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
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