Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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