Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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