um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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