when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
