A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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