I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
