Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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