You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
