He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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