My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
