you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
