I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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