i dont even know how to be here
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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