Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
